All Heart with Paul Cardall

Cheryl Cardall: Problems In Parenting

Episode Summary

No matter what side of any issue you fall, 2020 has been a year full of change and trauma. In particular, parenting has been a challenge as families adjusted to a quarantine lifestyle. Paul Cardall talks with family and human development expert Cheryl Cardall, who advocates, educates, and provides resources for parents dealing with the mental health challenges. Cheryl is Paul's sister in law and host of the popular parenting podcast, Fight Like A Mother.

Episode Notes

No matter what side of any issue you fall, 2020 has been a year full of change and trauma. In particular, parenting has been a challenge as families adjusted to a quarantine lifestyle. Paul Cardall talks with family and human development expert Cheryl Cardall, who advocates, educates, and provides resources for parents dealing with the mental health challenges. Cheryl is Paul's sister in law and host of the popular parenting podcast, Fight Like A Mother.

ABOUT CHERYL CARDALL

Cheryl Cardall is a parent coach and host of the Fight like a Mother podcast.  Her goal is to advocate for and educate about mental health as well as provide resources for parents raising kids with extra challenges. She has a bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Development from the University of Utah. She is a public speaker, teacher and coach and is passionate about helping strengthen families. Cheryl and her husband David are the proud parents of 5 children. 

WEBSITE: https://www.fightlikeamotherpodcast.com/

INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/cherylcardall/

 

ABOUT PAUL CARDALL

www.paulcardall.com

Episode Transcription

- [Announcer] Hey, everybody. Welcome to the American Songwriter Podcast Network. This is "All Heart with Paul Cardall."

 

- Hello, everybody. Welcome to "All Heart." I am Paul Cardall and we made it through. 2020 is over. Here we are in 2021. I don't think 2021, anything, but here we are and we're all hopeful that this year will be so much better. 'Cause it really was a bizarre year. But I think one of the biggest challenges, you look back, you think about what were some of the biggest challenges, and I think about my kids. Because it has been a year of crisis, unrest and trauma for adults. Can you imagine how are these kids processing all that's gone on, from all the hate in politics, all the talk of death with a virus. Violence, we had a bombing here in Nashville. If that's up on the TV and a kid sees that, how do they respond to that? And we always interview creative people, artists, authors, actors, but because it's been 2020 and it's been crazy and the kids are struggling and we're all struggling, I wanted to bring in an expert. Somebody who understands clearly human development families, how to parent kids, particularly kids with special needs. And so I invited my sister in-law Cheryl Cardall, 'cause I love what she has to say. She's very smart and I trust her. She has a degree in family and human development from the University of Utah, but she's got one of the leading podcasts right now. It's in the top 5%. It's called "Fight Like a Mother." And she has five kids. And this is a person who really understands subjects from ADHD, Tourette syndrome, kids with anxiety, depression, suicide prevention, so many areas. And so without further ado, Cheryl Cardall. Thank you so much for being with us today.

 

- Hi.

 

- Cheryl, I've explained to everybody what you do, but if you could elaborate.

 

- I have a degree in human and family development and I had an emphasis in early childhood education. So I've always been fascinated with family dynamics and what makes strong families and, and how kids grow and develop and their brain development and things like that. So Dave and I have five kids. Their ages are 10 to 21. We have four boys and a girl. We have great kids and like all families, we have challenges. Every family has challenges. And, but the last few years we dealt with some mental health challenges with, actually a few of our kids have dealt with this. And we just found we didn't know where to turn. There weren't a lot of resources. There wasn't a community to turn to. It can be a really lonely place and frustrating place, because trying to find our son when we needed a therapist, we went through five therapists before we found one that he really liked and connected with. It's hard to find one that connects with adolescent boys. Who wants to go talk about their feelings at 13 and 14?

 

- Nobody.

 

- Not very many. So that kind of has driven my purpose to create some resources in the community for parents dealing with kids with extra challenges.

 

- And what's the name of your community?

 

- My community, my pod, I have a podcast. I guess we'll get to that in a minute. But my podcast is called "Fight Like a Mother." And my community, not Instagram, is just under my name Cheryl Cardall, so.

 

- Let's talk about the community that you actually live in, because you're in Salt Lake City which is prominently people who belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's a very, how would you explain that type of community, because a lot people have all kinds of different ideas of what the LDS church is, but what a lot of people always say is, oh, they're wonderful neighbors. They're great neighbors. But what is it, how would you just, I mean, living in Utah, how would you describe to people that are living in England or Australia that are listening to this podcast what that dynamic is like?

 

- Well, it's interesting, because we lived outside of Utah for 13 years. We lived in Phoenix in Las Vegas. And coming back to Utah where both of us were raised has been really interesting. We had kind of a different perspective living outside of Utah. And we came to Utah and there are wonderful people here. And most of our family lives here. And we do have great neighbors. But Utah can be a little bit, I guess, I'll call it homogeneous in that there's not a ton of diversity. And so it can be challenging when you don't fit in the box. And we have found in the last few years that we haven't necessarily fit in the box with some of the things our kids have struggled with. And people are kind and nice, but maybe not as, they don't know what to do. They don't know what to say or what to do. And so I think that that's another reason why I felt driven to do what I've done is to help people understand more, to destigmatize mental health challenges and to really help families when people don't know what to do.

 

- What do you think is, what is the number one challenge?

 

- Okay, the number one problem that parents deal with, I really think it boils down to feeling connected with our family, because I think there's so much out there that can disconnect us as a family. Whether that's all the activities that kids are involved in. Whether it's the technology that kids are constantly exposed to. Whether it's kids finding different beliefs or activities or friends that their parents don't necessarily agree with. There's lots of things out there in life that can really disconnect us. Disconnect our relationships. And I think that's probably the biggest problem that families deal with. Even if they don't recognize it, because I think families are so busy today, so busy. Kids are in four-five different things and they're not sitting down to dinner together and they're not really even communicating. I mean, there's one study that says parents spend 12 minutes a day talking to their kids. And I can see it happen. I can see it, because if you're always out busy, busy, busy, you don't have that time to really sit and connect with them. So that is, that same thing is what kids are dealing with too is because, and I don't think technology is evil. I think technology is neutral. I think it's what we do with it and how we learn to control it. But some kids are just constantly in their phone. And I'm not, my kids are not perfect at this either. They're on phones a lot as well. But we can really disconnect really easily from one another in today's society. There's so many options right now that sometimes the family gets pushed to the back burner.

 

- Yeah, it seems like there are so many distractions to try to disrupt family relationships and harm them. And not in an intentional way, but obviously we live in a capitalist nation and so the advertisers, the companies, they need us to buy the products and so we're force fed so much information that we need this, we need that. I mean, I remember being a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons. It's like when the toy commercial comes on, I wondered which of my friends owned that toy, because I knew my parents were not gonna get that toy. So I needed to make a friend with somebody that had the matchbox cars and the plastic trace rack or race track, so I could go and enjoy that. We didn't have Nintendo. We didn't have Atari. But the neighbor did. And my mother would always say, well, go make friends with them.

 

- Right.

 

- But then you had friends going, "You're just using me for 'Super Mario Brothers.'" I'm like, "Well, what else you got?"

 

- Maybe. Maybe I am.

 

- No.

 

- But kids are bombarded these days constantly with things like that and constantly that, I was thinking the other day, Dave and I were talking the other day that when we were growing up and if you didn't get invited by your friends to go do something on the weekend, your mom could say, oh, well, I'll bet they're not doing anything either or you don't know that they're doing that or whatever. Well, they pick up their phone and they see right there that all their friends got together and are doing something and they didn't get invited. And so they are bombarded constantly. Am I enough? Are my clothes good enough? Is my body good enough? Are my grades good enough? It's just this constant bombarding. And we as adults aren't immune from it either. We're being bombarded as well. And so I think we just really have to take a step back and focus on what's really important.

 

- You make a good point, because we're getting to a place in our society where we are rating each other, 'cause we rate businesses on the quality of their product and Matt Zuckerberg created Facebook to rate women. I mean, it was a very misogynistic thing that he created. He gets a pass because we all love Facebook.

 

- Love Facebook, yeah.

 

- Yeah. But now it's like everybody has a rating based on who we are. And we are going through this growing pains of excessive technology where a lot of our self-esteem is derived out of the likes and the follows and things like that. How do you do teach children, because we're learning, there's no manual for parents-

 

- Oh, no, in fact my podcast that's coming out on Wednesday is with a woman named Andrea Davis who's written a book called, oh, of course it just left my mind. "Creating a Tech-Healthy Family." And we're talking exactly about that, that we are kind of the first generation of parents to deal with this technology in the hands of our kids. And how do we do that? I posted a quote last week that you can't raise your kids how your parents raised you because that world no longer exists. And we have to up our game. We have to change things up. And we really have to focus on building that connection and relationship with our kids. Because the manual is right here in our brain. The manual is in our heart. We can learn and we can know what will be best for our kids, but we really have to really tune in.

 

- Yeah, I mean, how many parent, how many people do you think actually are having conversions, real conversations with their kids? Are they seeking to understand what they need, what they want? Obviously kids will always tell you, 'cause they send you their list and they send you-

 

- Yeah, but is it the list of the material things they need or is it really what they need inside? Because those are vastly different. So, yeah, it's, and I have actually developed five core values that guide our parenting. I'm not the person that you're gonna go to online that I'm gonna tell you step by step what to do with your kids, because my kids are really different than your kids. You have two daughters. I have four sons and one daughter and so our issues that our kids deal with are gonna be really different. And so I think that parenting from a place of values that guides you and the decisions that you make when you're dealing with your kids is really powerful.

 

- And yet don't you think that specifically is very challenging because our values may not coincide with the neighbor's values-

 

- Well, yeah, that's why you have to develop it for yourself, for your own family. I mean, my values aren't, my values aren't religious-based, my parenting values. It's that some of the values our kids do well when they can. When they're not doing very well, then there's something going on that we need to figure out what that is and why they're, if your kids is flunking out in school, it's not about the grades. There's something else goin' on. And if we have the relationship with them and the connection with them, we can have conversations with them about what that is. Another one is don't take it personally. It's not about you. Because, and that can get really hard when teens are being sassy and talking back and saying things to you and criticizing what you're doing in your parenting, but guess what? It's not about you. It's about their struggles and things like that. And so we need to be the grownup and be the adult and not get sucked into that arguing and conflict and things with our kids.

 

- Yeah, 'cause it's definitely changed, 'cause we all, you and Dave, me, we come from patriarchal homes where the old fashioned way of the man is the head of the household. His wife is the helpmeet. And yet I've always found that personally to not be a correct system because I've always believed that the equality of the marriage in the relationship needs to be the mother really running the show, because I've always believed that women are more powerful emotionally and mentally in knowing how to raise children than men. And for centuries men have just kinda run everything and I'm glad that we're shifting. Do you think, why do you think there's been a shift in women having more control, more power in the home and why has it taken so long in the history of mankind for women to be more in control?

 

- Well, I think that as women, 100 years ago, got the right to vote, step by step throughout time, we're starting to see that equality build. And I think that there has to be an equality in the partnership of the marriage that my husband has definite strengths and skills in parenting that are different than mine, that are just as valuable in talking with and connecting with our kids than I do and vice versa. And so I think that the, instead of the old model of you'll do what I say because I'm the parent and don't ask questions, I think we have to put that away. Because our kids are different than you and I were. Their situations are vastly different. We need to know why they're pushing our boundaries. Why they're not listening or being obedient. We need to know why because there is real danger out there if we don't have that communication and connection with them. And so I, one of our other parenting values is the relationship matters most. Their hair color doesn't matter. What they wear doesn't matter. Getting their ears pierced doesn't matter. The relationship between you and your kids is really the thing that matters and what you really need to focus on because when they are struggling and they're really having a hard time, if you don't have that relationship, they're gonna turn to their friends, they're going to turn to drugs or alcohol or sex or pornography or whatever to numb those hard things that they're going through. The way that you've had some success in parenting is when they will come to you when they are struggling and having a hard time. That's successful parenting. It's not them being compliant and obedient. It's them turning to you as a parent and saying I'm struggling. I mean, we had one of our kids come to us with some really tough, really hard stuff. And I started to cry, not in front of him but after, because I knew we had done something right, because it was tough stuff and he came to us before going to his friends or going to some other thing. And we've worked really hard to create that kind of connection and relationship with our kids. And we're not perfect by any means. We still lose it and break down and yell sometimes and whatever. We're all human. But I think really focusing on that connection instead of just the dad's in charge. When your dad gets home, he'll take care of this or we have these family rules, but you don't get any say. We really talk to our kids a lot about family rules and why we feel like these are important, but we also listen to them about why they feel like it's important.

 

- Yeah, and I feel like, I feel like our parents, particularly my parents, they did an amazing job.

 

- Oh, my parents did an amazing job too.

 

- Yeah, raising eight children and obviously you guys-

 

- Seven, yeah.

 

- Seven children. I can't even imagine the sacrifices that they made, but they make those sacrifices because they love their children. Do you think that we need our children more than they need us?

 

- I think it's a symbiotic relationship. I think it goes both ways. And I think, one thing that I've learned over the last few years is that parenting isn't about my kids, it's about me. It's about my journey. It's refining me. They have their journey. They have their path and I'm there to guide them, to love love then, to be there for them, to coach them, but this journey is about me and refining me more than it's about how they turn out. 'Cause I can't control how they turn out.

 

- Right. But I think we all try to control-

 

- Oh, absolutely, 100%.

 

- How it turns out. We want them to go to this specific school. We want them to be interested in the things we're interested in, but it's amazing when you sit back and recognize that the two, that the child that you created that has some of your DNA and the mother's DNA, that you can't create a personality. They come with a personality.

 

- They come.

 

- And it's so fascinating to watch and observe. And just the little things they say that are just so mind blowing. My youngest taught me what narwhal was. I had no idea what a narwhal was. I learn things. And that's what's beautiful about-

 

- Yeah, it's definitely and one of the other things that I talk about is dropping your agenda as a parent. Dropping your expectations of what they're going to do or they're going to become or whatever and just letting them find their path. You're there for them. You can guide them. You can advise them. All of that. But I think that all of us, and I think it's totally natural as a parent to think, oh, I want them to do really well at school and I want them to get scholarships and I want them to go to college and all of those. And none of those are bad things, but we don't have control over whether they do those things or not. And so I think dropping that agenda and sometimes when I say that dropping your expectations, your agenda, people think it's a free-for-all at home Well, you don't have any expectations for them to help around the house or all of these things and that's not what it is at all. It's just letting them find their own path.

 

- Yeah, in that process, obviously it's a frustration for parents because when you know how to help and how to guide and how to teach and yet they can't comprehend, yet those principles or those things, it takes a lot of patience.

 

- It does take a lot of patience. And it takes a lot of biting your tongue, especially as they get older. The older they get, the more they need to feel like they need a sense of control over their life. I talk with a lot of parents of teens, and teens and toddlers are actually eerily similar in their development because their whole developmental goal is to separate themselves from their parents. Both two and three year olds and both and teenagers. And so the goal for them, and so if you're trying to hold back and hold in, bring in the reigns with teenagers, you're gonna get a lot of pushback, you're gonna get a lot of rebellion and things like that. The more they feel like they have some say and some control in their life, that's where the better relationship comes.

 

- And I don't think, and you can, in all your experience, how many parents, how many parents actually go and study or look online to understand childhood development, the stages-

 

- Not as many as should.

 

- 'Cause it's a big ma, it's a big eye opener when you go to the developmental stages of a young girl, because once you read those things it's like, oh, that's why they're acting this way-

 

- Exactly, exactly, I've always said every parent as they're pregnant should take a child development course. And then as their kid turns about 10, take a teenage development course and there's a a couple of really great books out there that I'll share. There's a book called "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dan Siegel. His last name is S-I-E-G-E-L. It talks about brain development. It's fascinating. And it's a fairly easy read. He also has a great book called "No-Drama Discipline" which is based on that same book. So it's discipline or teaching your kids, 'cause they should be the same thing-

 

- [Woman] That's okay.

 

- That it's the discipline is based off that brain development. And then there's another called "The Teenage Brain" and I think it might be by Dan Siegel too. Let me check just real quick.

 

- The one that I read that was fascinating is from Lisa Damour, she's a PhD, it's called "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood."

 

- Oh, I have, I haven't read that one.

 

- So good. It's very good. With my 14 year old, it really significantly helped me because she experienced the divorce of her parents, moving from state to state. Obviously we go every month to spend time with the kids. But it's getting to the point now, Cheryl, where they, she's a teenager, she wants to be with her friends. So every time I'm in town and every time I'm with her and all that stuff, she wants to be with them.

 

- Yeah. That's hard.

 

- That's the dynamic that a lot of parents face. A lot of divorced men, a lot of divorced women, they go and they get their parent time and then it's like, well, why doesn't my child wanna be with me right now. It's a tug of war. Do you make them spend time with you or should there be more freedom and flexibility in saying I love you. I got your back. You can call me. Go and have a good time.

 

- Well, I think it's a compromise. I think you talk to them and say, hey, I'm in town. I really would love to spend time with you. How 'bout if we go to dinner together and then you can go see your friends? But talking to her about what would work for her. Can we compromise so that we spend time together and you get some friend time? I think that that's key with kids, 'cause I think often we've treated teenagers like they're dumb or they're stupid or their, their attitude stinks or whatever. And really they're just trying to find that freedom and that control and so when we collaborate with them rather than try to control it, I think it makes a huge difference.

 

- That's right, 'cause we were all teenagers once and we all knew that our parents were just a little behind at times. Their music was a little old school and we wanted some upbeat music and it makes me go, I wonder what the kids' kids are gonna be listening to in the music world aspect of things. Let's talk about music for a minute, because this is for the American Songwriter Podcast. As a mother, how do you feel music affects the behavior of a child?

 

- That's an interesting question, 'cause we hadn't had any real issues with music until one of our kids started, he really liked rap. And he really likes some of the rap that's I would prefer him not to listen to. But again it's an opportunity for a conversation. Hey, this is why I don't really appreciate this music, because of the words that's used, because of how it portrays women. Because of different things like that. Why do you like it? And I think listening to our kids' music is really important. I mean, it may drive you crazy, it may drive you nuts, but it first of all connects you to them and second of all it gives you an opportunity to have conversations. Hey, I didn't really like that. What do you like about that song? Asking them what do you like about that song? Well, this is, I liked the beat, but I didn't like these words and this is why, what do you think about that? I think that instead of forcibly banning certain things, using it, and guess what? He doesn't listen to some of that music anymore and I don't, he made that choice, because he realized, oh, this has some messages that maybe I don't want. So I think, I think that sometimes in our growing up generation, we didn't talk about the hard stuff. We didn't talk about the-

 

- You sweep it under the rug because it's just a taboo conversation and so you go, everything from sexuality to all kind of things. The music thing is very interesting because I'm a firm believer that what we listen to affects our moods and how we treat people.

 

- Yeah, I agree.

 

- And Sting, in talking about music the way him and his wife Trudy treated music with their children was they would sit down and read the lyrics as a family-

 

- Oh, yeah, that's a good way.

 

- Let's sit around at the dinner table and why don't you recite the lyrics-

 

- Let me read the rap music.

 

- Yeah, so you got Ja Rule in there, whatever. And it's interesting because you take this, well, I'm not gonna be specific on music, but my dad, he was a Kingston Trio guy, so that stuff is very beautiful, innocent, sweet. I was a Rush guy, so I was listening to stuff about spaceships and just cars and things like that-

 

- I liked Madonna-

 

- Oh, "Like a Virgin."

 

- Yeah, that was shameful. That was awful.

 

- We didn't see it. We never saw it as controversy. Because mom would always say, "I don't want you to say the word suck, but you can say hell." 'Cause we didn't know what that meant. And so it's like as parents, we know all these things and we observe these things, but for the kids, how, don't you think they're getting smarter and they really know what is really being said versus or do you think there's still kinda that gap of-

 

- I think it depends on the kid.

 

- Okay.

 

- I think a lot of it depends on the kid. I think there is some naivety in a sense because they may realize that they're telling not something specific but may not realize the whole thing. I don't know. I think that it depends on the kid. But, yeah, I think our kids are smarter than we were. And so that's another reason why we have to keep that line of communication open. That they're hearing about all this stuff on the news and they're hearing about school shootings and they're hearing about kids taking their lives. And all these things that I didn't hear about growing up. And so they need adults in their life who are willing to talk about it, who are willing to talk about the hard stuff.

 

- Do you feel that parents need to be very open with their children about sexuality and about violence and everything that, and in terms of sexuality, I mean, we've become more open in our sexuality in our nation, more accepting of lifestyles. And what age do you really start to help them understand sexuality because I think we go into marriage not fully knowing, particularly in the Utah community where people, majority of the people are abstaining from sex until they're married. And yet so many people on the outside of those communities will say, oh, well, you needed to have sex before you got married, because it's a problem within the marriage.

 

- Yeah.

 

- How do you handle those scenarios?

 

- Well, I think that time and sexuality starts when they're really little. Using right body part terms and not making it shameful. There's a great therapist on Instagram called, her name's Kristin Hodson. And she talks about how we should be as comfortable talking about our private parts as we are about our hands and our nose. Our kids should be as comfortable talking about those parts of their body as they are any other part. And that we're the ones who put that shame and yeah, kind of the shame around it.

 

- Yeah, it's kinda like subtle. It's kinda like, oh, no, oh, boy.

 

- Yeah.

 

- When it reality-

 

- And so as they start developing and growing and asking about certain things and relationships and things like that, that you just answer their questions. And I think it's even okay to say, you know what? This question might make me feel, you might notice that I might be a little bit uncomfortable, but, if it's important enough to me to talk with you about it then we're gonna talk about it. So I think it's just having that real openness from the time they're really small and just making it a matter of fact part of life, that sexuality is a part of life, so.

 

- Yeah, I think there are topics that you wanna talk to with your children and yet at the same time we will say, well, when you're older.

 

- Ah-ha.

 

- We'll talk to you about it when we're older, but shouldn't you at least provide some type of information?

 

- Yeah, well, I think it's important to realize what they're actually talking about, 'cause I have a friend who her son asked a question. Now I can't even remember what it was. But she gave him a big long answer and it was about sexuality and he was just like, I just wanted a short, it's like he wanted a really simple answer and she's like I gave him way too much information. So kind of finding out what they're asking about, but step by step, you kinda give 'em the information.

 

- Yeah, what, as we start to kinda wind down here, what is, what is probably the greatest experience that you've ever had with your children in a teaching situation where you've seen this transformation. This real, from advice you guys were able to give or maybe advice that they gave to you.

 

- Well, I would say, we have really radically changed our parenting in the last two to three years. We just, out of necessity and circumstance, we realized that what we were doing was not creating these relationships and connections. When kids are really struggling, the old stuff doesn't work. And we have to be willing to change our approaches to them and things. And so I would say that's been my most rewarding experience is it's been tough. It's been, Dave and I have come at it from different ways and sometimes there's conflict between us about it, but we've really learned to come together. And I don't think there's anything wrong with conflict in marriage. I think that healthy relationships with two strong people, you're going to have some conflict in marriage, but it's how you approach it and talk about it and work through it. So I would say probably, and I would bet Dave would say the same thing, our most rewarding parts of parenting have been in the last couple of years where we have seen a real shift in our relationships with our kids. They've become so much more open and loving and real. It's not just a, we're not a role, I'm not just, my isn't a mom, my relationship with my kids is a mother-son-daughter relationship, not just a role.

 

- So what were you doing before that-

 

- Well, I think we were just, well, I think we were just doing, and we were good parents before. We weren't terrible parents. We were good parents. But it was just kind of the, kind of the control thing, we're the parents. We're gonna make the rules. We're gonna make the consequences. We're gonna put you in timeout or we're gonna take away privileges and things like that. And there's really nothing wrong with that, but when you see that your relationship with your kids, when they're really struggling, that's that's not working, you have to really change it up. And so now it's more collaboration. I mean, we still have rules. We still have boundaries. But it's more like they have input as they get older as teenagers. We partner with them. We collaborate with them. And chatting with them rather than just we lay down the law and you have to follow it.

 

- Yeah, and I think it's interesting, because our parents did do a fantastic job with the knowledge they had. And yet I think so many parents, once they become grandparents, start to look back and reflect and say did we do everything we possibly could have done because maybe not all of our children are doing everything we had hoped for them to do. How important is it to try to see the value in who they are versus who they are not?

 

- Yeah, I think that as parents, we have to give ourselves a lot of grace, 'cause none of us are doing it all right. We all make mistakes and that's part of the journey of parenthood is learning from our mistakes and things like that. And we can't give every child we have everything they possibly need. And, but I also truly believe that we are the right parents for our kids, that they came to us for a reason, that God sent them to us for a reason. And so we are the parent they're supposed to have, but we're not gonna do it perfectly. And so I think that we can't take credit for all the good they do, nor can we take the blame for them making different choices or doing, making poor choices or things like that. We can't, that's not our right as a parent, because if we take the blame for all their choices and feel like we should've done so much more, then we take the credit for all the good. But that's their journey.

 

- That's right, and I love that you mentioned God because majority of people throughout the world have some type of higher power they turn to 'cause they recognize they can't manage their own life and they are obviously also in religious tradition. But how has God played a role in your raising of, I wanna say raising of his kids?

 

- Yeah, well, I think when you have the thought that I do that they're a loan to me from him, that it kind of changes how you do things. That he needs to be a partner in the raising of his kids. And that when we're struggling with our kids, because we're imperfect and we're mortal and we're gonna make mistakes. He knows the answers. And we can turn to him for those answers. And they might not come quickly and they may come in different ways than we think. They may come in just different thoughts that we have. They may come in certain people that come into their life. They may, there's lots of different ways that those answers can come. But we just have to be open to that. And I truly believe that parents and especially moms have this intuition about their kids that is usually right. That when we have a thought about our kids and how we should do things, I believe that most of the time that intuition is right.

 

- Yeah, so you talk about how you're gonna have these feelings. It's your gut feeling. Anyone could obviously say that, that's just you, and, but you talk about God and do you, are you praying to God? Are you meditating to get those answers? 'Cause I'm just, for those that are not religious, those that are not involving that higher power that you claim to have and so many parents have, how do you actually access that?

 

- Well, I do pray. And a lot of times, they talk about the prayer in your heart. I have that in my heart almost all the time when I'm talking to my kids, when we're struggling with kids. I always kind of have that prayer like, oh, I just need some extra help. Please help me. But sometimes the answer comes, not necessarily while I'm praying, but later in the day I listen to a podcast that I felt drawn to or I read something in a book or an article or something that is the answer that I needed that I asked God for. I really believe the more specific we ask, questions we ask God, the more specific our answers will be. And so when you're having a really specific issue with one of your kids, I need to know how to help them learn how to do better in school. And then you have to go out and you have to do the research and the work and the things like that, because I found that really the answers come as I'm doing my best to find them. And I will be led to what's needed.

 

- And it's worked for you?

 

- It's worked for us, yeah.

 

- Your podcast is "Fight Like a Mother."

 

- It is.

 

- And if people wanna find that, can they just ask Alexa and Siri, is there a website?

 

- I do have a website. It's fightlikeamotherpodcast.com, but you can also access it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRADIO, most of the major podcast and platforms.

 

- What's your Instagram? What's your ID?

 

- My Instagram is just my name Cheryl Cardall. So if they know how to spell your name. My first name is, my first is C-H-E-R-Y-L. So they can find me there.

 

- Well, awesome, well, thank you so much for being here and-

 

- Well, thanks for having me.

 

- Giving us all this good parenting advice.

 

- Thanks, Paul.

 

- All right. Talk to you later, Cheryl.

 

- All right, bye.

 

- Bye. Hi, everyone. I'm Paul Cardall. I wanna take a minute away from the podcast to tell you about my brand new album "The Broken Miracle." This album is my story, my memoir. In fact it is inspired by the novel "The Broken Miracle" by J. D. Netto. A couple of years ago, he and I got together and we talked and he wanted to write a novel based on my crazy life in order to tell people how valuable you are. Listen, I've been broken, but I'm not beaten. I've been down, but I'm still breathing. And I'm a man with half a heart who has a learned so much about the value of this life and how meaningful it is and how fragile it is. And when we see so many people surrendering and giving up and even I at moments wanna give up. This life is worth fighting for and that's what "The Broken Miracle" is all about. The album and the novel, learn about it at thebrokenmiracle.com. When you subscribe at thebrokenmiracle.com, you can get the first three chapters of the novel for free and then you can see on the page at thebrokenmiracle.com all the artists, the incredible artists from David Archuleta to Thompson Square who are featured on the new album. So that's the news. That's the latest information on the project I've been working on. I'm really proud of it. And I hope that you'll go and pre-order it today. Go to thebrokenmiracle.com and you'll get all that information right there. Back to the podcast.

 

- [Announcer] "All Heart with Paul Cardall" goes beyond the typical interview podcast to dive deep into life's biggest issues. Paul is proud to share his conversations with you here on the American Songwriter Podcast Network.